Beautiful Creatures
*1/2
Rated on a 4-star scale
Screening venue: Odeon (Bromborough)
Released in the UK by UIP on January 19, 2001; certificate 18; 86 minutes;
country of origin USA; aspect ratio 1.85:1
Directed by Bill Eagles; produced by Simon
Donald, Alan J. Wands.
Written by Simon Donald.
Photographed by James Welland; edited by Jon
Gregory.
CAST.....
Rachel Weisz..... Petula
Susan Lynch..... Dorothy
Alex Norton..... Detective Inspector George Hepburn
Iain Glen..... Tony
Maurice Roeves..... Ronnie McMinn
Tom Mannion..... Brian McMinn
The ads for "Beautiful Creatures"
claim it's based on a true story. Is it hell. Not only is the plot
amazingly implausible, but even if it were true, there would only be two
people who'd know about it. How sad, the desperate lengths studios will go
to when trying to summon interest in their releases. Sometimes you can hardly
blame them; there's nothing honest they could say to get anyone to see this
movie, except that the two lead actresses are gorgeous. Maybe that'll be
the hook for the video release, if you get my drift.
The story involves two young women, played by
Rachel Weisz and Susan Lynch, who end up accidentally contributing to the
death of Weisz's abusive boyfriend; Lynch tries to stop him from attacking
Weisz, he falls down drunk and is dead from internal bleeding by the next
morning. So they hide his body in Lynch's flat and spend the film covering
their crime up. Big Implausibility #1 right there -- why don't they just
ring up the cops and tell them the truth? "They'd never believe what really
happened!" cries Lynch. Uh, why not?
Big Implausibility #2 -- the detective assigned
to the case is working entirely on his own, giving him the opportunity to
manipulate the situation for his own financial gain when the girls set up
a story that the boyfriend is being held for ransom. #3 -- he manages to
suss out exactly what the girls have done, even though he's oblivious to
obvious details of their plot, and is such an idiot that he thinks he can
seduce Weisz by breaking into her house in the middle of the night and tickling
her crotch with a shotgun. #4 -- the boyfriend's gangster brother is another
character with an IQ that fluctuates for the screenplay's convenience; he
is suspicious of everyone and everything, being a ruthless gangster an' all,
and yet every suspicion of foul play he has regarding his brother's disappearance
is hopelessly misguided.
"Beautiful Creatures" has the form of a comedy,
with lively, eccentric performances and colourful cinematography and music.
But nothing about the situation is remotely funny -- idiots digging themselves
into complicated legal holes, sinister corruption on the part of the cop
and the gangster, and a weird, irrelevant subplot about Lynch's psychotic
heroin-addict ex-boyfriend. Maybe this would be amusing if it were cranked
up to manic velocity, but it plays out fairly calmly so what exactly are
we supposed to laugh at? The only obvious comic moments are silly instances
of dialogue based on the girls' nervous reactions to their predicament.
Example… The cop knocks at Weisz's door and introduces himself as a
Detective-Inspector. Her response: "Hello, Detec…detector?" Ho, ho,
ho.
This movie is not funny, is not dramatic, is not
charming, and often does not even make sense. Some of the male characters
are downright creepy, and the females, while beautiful, are annoying in their
stupidity and lack of logic. And of course, this is yet another movie that
sets up a bunch of wild plot threads, then uses a shootout to resolve them.
Well done.
COPYRIGHT©
2001 Ian Waldron-Mantgani
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